The first time I truly connected to a song was when I was at a funeral service for my step-grandmother, and jack's manniquin "dark blue" was playing through my headphones. It was a tough day. Me and my step-grandmother never really connected. We had a language barrier. I spoke english, and she spoke spanish. I'm sure that with more time and without the language barrier we could have become close. However we didn't. Throughout the years that I knew her honestly she never actually got my name down, she always called me kaylie instead of kylie. It never bothered me much teachers have been making that mistake my whole life. Anyways her funeral was held at a church, and the mass was in spanish. My dad and step mom were close to the front row. However I was left to find my own seat. I was around 13 or 14. I ended up in the back row, alone. I didn't know anyone. I was alone. When I attempted to sit by my dad he told me there wasn't enough room. So there I am in a room of people becoming more connected by a death, while I grew farther from everyone, and started to realize I was unwanted. This feeling of alone, of unwanted carried on daily, now I am 18 three days away from moving out and I still feel unwanted, and alone, At the funeral I turned my music on shuffle. 'Dark blue' came on. Never before has a lyric EVER fit my situation so exact. “Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?” Andrew sang. All of a sudden I felt tears steam down my face. It was a heart breaking moment for me because I started to realize I WAS alone and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't chose my family so what was I suppose to do if they didn't want me? I didn't have any friends, not close friends that would understand. I had Andy though. I realized that in that church. I had his songs. His lyrics and beautiful music got my through it. I can't tell you how many times I sat in math class and doodled his lyrics instead of learning. I spent hours everyday writing, he inspired me to do that.
Throughout high school I was a Loner. Not the Payton Sawyer type of Loner either. It wasnt glamorous I didnt have a brooke, or a lucas. I ate lunch in my english room because I didnt have anywhere to sit in the cafiteria, on the days she was busy I went to the library. I didnt have a social life. on the nights I wasnt home I was at the local coffee shop or my job. None of this was glamorous. There were alot of nights that I spent asking myself 'whats wrong with me?' But throughout all of this there was always Andrew Mcmahon. Honestly I dont think I would have been able to do it without him. I felt so alone, he changed that. I really connected with his music it made me feel like everything would eventually be ok. I guess his music was my 'it gets better' campaign. For a lot of people struggling with there sexuality there is the it gets better project to make them feel safe, and as the title says that everything will get better. That is exactly what Andrew's music did for me! It made me feel like one day, one day soon everything will get better.
